Under Their Skin: Akatsuki
by Kita Kudai
Summary: How to get 'under the skin' of the infamous Akatsuki! Twenty one easy steps.
1. Pein

**My friends and I are now working together and we decided to do an Under Their Skin: Akatsuki style fic! This is being co-written with Rei of Sunshine and Iwa no Haiomi.**

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How to make Pein send you on a suicide mission:

1. Arrest him for illegal cloning.

2. Play darts with his eyes.

3. Tease him and call him color blind 'cause his eyes have no color.

4. Find out all the locations for the Akatsuki hideouts and give the locations to the ANBU.

5. Call the Akatsuki hideouts the man caves.

6. Change the Akatsuki robes to bright orange with green clouds. Now enemy shinobi can see them much easier. Making much easier targets for enemy shinobi.

7. Tie him down to a chair and make him watch Barney, Barbie and Teletubbies for the next few days, or however long you can keep him detained.

8. Accuse him of being the fourth Hokage whether or not you have proof.

9. Sick the Jiraiya fangirls on him for killing everyone's favorite Ero-sennin.

10. Scream at him for stealing Yagami Light's 'God thing' from Death Note.

11. Sing Pain by Three Days Grace whenever you see him, except use the word Pein instead of pain.

12. Make a game about counting earrings that he has in his face.

13. Play connect the dots with his earrings when he's sleeping. It'll be even better if you use a permanent marker.

14. Call him boss man not Leader-sama.

15. Whenever you go to the hideout cry, "To the Man Cave! Away!" in a child-like voice.

16. Whenever follow him on a mission mutter, "Stalk. Stalk. Stalk." Over and over.

17. Ask what the weather forecast for the day is.

18. Hug him and when he questions you as to why you did it say, "Hug an emo, save the world!"

19. When he calls for a meeting and wants suggestions on how to go about collecting the Biju raise your hand, wave it wildly, hitting anyone within arms reach, screaming, "Oh, me! Pick me! Me! Me!"

20. When he calls on you say, "I forgot." Repeat it over and over for the best results.

21. When he tells everyone that you are going after the Biju scream, "I refuse to die for a cause I don't believe it! You'll never take me alive!" Run out of the room cackling like the mad person we know you are.

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Kita: So… that's it?

**Rei and Haiomi: Yup!**

**Kita: We worked on my birthday for this?**

**Rei: Yup!**

**Kita: …**


	2. Konan

**Kita: Thanks for reviewing.**

**Rei: This chapter is all about our favorite papergirl!**

**Haiomi: My brother?**

**Kita: Uh, no… She means Konan. And your brother isn't a girl…**

**Haiomi: The freaky chick with blue hair?**

**Kita: Yeah…**

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1. Set candles all over the hideout and make sure they're in places that she goes often.

2. Play with matches right in front of her.

3. Ask her what happens if she cuts herself. Imply that she bleeds ink in your conversation.

4. Place buckets of water above all of the doors in the Hideout.

5. Place paper shredders in every room.

6. Ask her for a piece of paper and when she gives it to you 'accidentally' rip it. Then as for another one.

7. Bombard her with water balloons every time you see her.

8. After a while of attacking her with water balloons switch to paper weights.

9. Flood her room and blame it on Kisame.

10. Put bras and panties in the room of every male in the Akatsuki. Tell the guys they're Konan's.

11. Put bras and panties in Konan's room. Congratulate her and Pein and when she asks you why just wink.

12. Destroy her room and when she asks why say "I was trying to find a piece of paper."

13. Give her baby clothes, saying Pein said she was pregnant.

14. In almost every conversation you have with her ask how it is dating the leader of the Akatsuki.

15. Ask if you can recycle her in a meeting with the rest of the Akatsuki there.

16. Whenever she attacks someone and it causes the person to bleed scream, "Paper cut!"

17. When you're on a mission with her make sure it accompishes the opposite of what you set out to do.

18. Take all of her undergarnments and freeze them in a bucket of water. Leave the frozen garenments lying around the base.

19. Put glue on everything that you can. Make sure she touches something, that way they something gets stuck to her.

20. Make sure she gets stuck outside without a umbrella or any shelter of any sort on a mission.

21. When ever you're around her rip paper constantly and when she asks why just smile at her.

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Kita: Well, that was... a little harder than I thought.

**Haiomi: Well, we don't really ever see her in the manga or the anime.**

**Rei: That's because she's just fails that way.**

**Kita: Rei, you can't say that! There are Konan fans out there!**

**Rei: Oh... Sorry!**


	3. Itachi

**Rei: We're back!**

**Kita: I think they see that, Rei.**

**Haiomi: This time we have a guest appearance!**

**Kita: Introducing our good friend-**

**Bittersweet Masquerade: How's it hanging Narutards?**

**Kita: Well, onto the chapter… Today's session is over Itachi.**

**Bittersweet Masquerade: Rest In Peace, Itachi-san.**

**Rei: We don't own Naruto so you can't sue us! Nyah!**

**Bittersweet Masquerade: We also don't own Batman and yes, there is a reference in there from the movie.**

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How to make Itachi want to us Tsukiyomi Sharingan on you:

1. Ask him why he's so serious all the time.

2. Get him anti-aging cream for the 'wrinkles' on his cheeks.

3. Get red contacts and pretend to be him for a few days.

4. As he starts to go blind say, "Oh, man, you've got to see… Oh… Right… Never mind," every so often.

5. When he's going blind lead him around the hideout, make sure you run into a few walls. Blame Kisame for the acts.

6. Ask if Orochimaru left the Akatsuki because he turned the snake sannin down.

7. Cut off his pony tail while he sleeps. Remember to leave evident pointing to Kisame, like perhaps the missing article in Kisame's hand.

8. Braid his pony tail – once it grows back – in his sleep. This time blame Deidara. Can't blame Kisame for everything, right?

9. Fill his room with stuffed weasels.

10. Replace his cloaks with a weasel costume.

11. Place live – rabid – weasels in his closet.

12. Constantly pull back his sleeves. When he asks why tell him you were checking to make sure he wasn't slitting his wrists.

13. Call his cloak a man dress.

14. Ask if he wants a man purse with that man dress.

15. When someone looks at him scream, "Don't look into his eyes! You'll turn to stone!"

16. Whenever he walks into the room play Weasel Stomping Day.

17. Steal various important items from all of the other Akatsuki members. Hide them in Itachi's room.

18. Tell Deidara that Itachi agrees with his form of art and wishes to learn from the best. Tell Sasori that Itachi agrees with his form of art and wishes to learn from the best. Tell both artists to go to his room to give him the lesson at the same time. Be sure to record the 'Lesson.'

19. Steal his nail polish and put super glue in its place.

20. Shine a flashlight in his face at random intervals. When he demands to know why you are doing it say you wanted to brighten up his day.

21. Randomly hug him on missions and such. Then say, "Tobi told me to do it."

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Kita: Well, there's all twenty one. Kisame's next, followed by the immortal team. Do tell us which one you want first, Hidan or Kakuzu. We want to know what you want.

**Bittersweet Masquerade: Heh, I haven't been on in like forever.**

**Rei: Yeah, we all fail. **

**Kita: I digress but whatever.**

**Haiomi: Do remember to hit the button right below our little conversation here, peoples. We thrive on reviews. **


	4. Kisame

**Kita: Sorry for the long wait. I can't post the chapters without Rei or Haiomi and both had a case of the procrastinations.**

**Haiomi: It's true… We fail…**

**Rei: But not at being funny!**

**Kita: That's for the readers to judge…**

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**How to make Kisame go Jaws on your sorry ass.**

1. Call him names such as land shark or fish sticks.

2. Buy him a fish from the pet store and insist it is his long lost brother. When he finally agrees pat him on the back and say, "Wow… Kisame, that's really sad… It has no relation to you. It's not even a shark."

3. Whenever you're on a mission with him hum the Jaws theme song, especially when he's attacking someone.

4. Put orange hair dye in his shampoo. 'Cause you know orange and blue just look terrible together.

5. Imply that eight out of the nine Akatsuki members are like supermodels. Don't forget to also imply that he is the ninth member that isn't.

6. Steal his cloaks and leave only a Speedo. Don't forget to take pictures!

7. Instead of giving him sunscreen or tanning oil when he asks for it give him tarter sauce or mayonnaise.

8. Before every meal yell at the top of your lungs, "Kisame don't eat that! Fish are friends not food!"

9. Start to choke him and when he asks why tell him you wanted to see what color he would turn if he started to choke.

10. Imply that he is a smurf and get him the costume for one, take his cloaks once more, leaving only the smurf costume. When he comes out wearing it you can start to yell, "You see! You see! There are such things as smurfs! And you all thought I was crazy!"

11. Ask him how he survives on land, especially in a desert.

12. Walk into his room when no one else but the two of you are in there, scream, "No! Don't eat Nemo!"

13. Ask him how his parents made him if one was a shark and the other was human.

14. Try to use Samehada to shave Hidan's head. Leave all evidence pointing to Kisame.

15. Tell him he will never get a woman because he is oddly colored.

16. Chase him Kisame around with a fish in a bag, declaring the fish is mini-me or mini-Kisame.

17. Mock his blue skin. Don't forget to imply that no one else in the Akatsuki has blue skin.

18. Whenever he walks by you sing I'm Blue by Eiffel 65.

19. Once I'm Blue gets old start singing Help! I'm a Fish by Little Trees.

20. Constantly ask him to use his echo location on land.

21. Ask him what the fish say and when he asks why say that you know he can speak fish.

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**Haiomi: Yeah, Kita's kinda not happy with us, 'cause we failed so badly.**

**Rei: I'm a little yellow fish!**

**Kita: Well, tune in next time. By a vote we are going on to the immortal pairing and we're staring with Hidan.**

**Haiomi: Off with his head!**


	5. Hidan

**Haoimi: Sup, yo?**

**Kita: It took us a pretty long time to get this chapter up. Hidan was harder than we thought.**

**Haiomi: You mean we were just lazy.**

**Kita: Yeah, you were...**

**Rei: But you love us anyways!**

**Kita: As you can see we don't own Naruto, or Hidan or Jashinism… Nor do we intend to offend anyone with any bashing of any sort.**

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**How to make Hidan painfully torture you.**

1. Have a cursing jar so every time Hidan curses he has to pay money.

2. Give the money to Kakuzu and then rub it in Hidan's face.

3. Cut him up into little pieces and hide each piece in a different spot and then let Tobi go and play hide and seek for the pieces.

4. Put rat poison in his drinks.

5. Insist that Jashinism isn't real. You should try to back this up by bringing up other religions and bashing Jashin.

6. Steal Kakuzu's wallet and put it on Hidan's person. Watch and laugh as Hidan gets his butt handed to him by his rather stitched partner.

7. Throw Holy water on him.

8. Scream loudly that he's a zombie and that he wants to harvest the brains of all since he doesn't have one. Then run and we suggest quickly.

9. Declare that he has a Death Note whenever he takes in the blood of an opponent, then tell that person to run.

10. Narrate everything that he does, such as, "He breaths in and then out, in and then out… Now he's glaring at me…"

11. After everything he says that may be taken suggestively ask, "Is that what Kakuzu said to you last night?" Then we suggest running away again.

12. Make loud beeping noises whenever he backs up a step.

13. Whenever he says a curse word use a blow horn to drown him out.

14. Wake him up every morning by singing some happy-go-lucky pop song, such as Walking On Sunshine, out of key mind you. Then we suggest running since Kakuzu might also be near by.

15. Spike his drinks to see if you can't get him drunk.

16. While he's sleeping booby trap his room. Make traps that would normally kill another person. But don't forget to add some simple traps such as whoopee cushions.

17. Post a sign on his back, such as 'Kick me' or 'Caution: Wide Load.'

18. Forge letters from other Jashinists telling him that they no longer believe in Jashinism.

19. Steal his scythe and paint it pink. There are bonus points involved if you can add glitter and heart stickers.

20. Buy him a princess costume for his birthday. Steal his cloaks to make sure he will wear it and if he still refuses wail at the top of your lungs until leader forces him to wear it just to shut you up. Take pictures!

21. Put him on a blind date with the obsessive rabid fangirls/fanboys. The more rabid the better!

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**Kita: God, that took forever and some of these are rather simple!**

**Haiomi: We fail…**

**Rei: But we look so damn good doing it.**

**Haiomi and Rei: Please review!**


	6. Kakuzu

**Rei: We couldn't resist tormenting Kakuzu.**

**Haiomi: 'Cause insanity is the spice of life!**

**Kita: This is just a reminder that we do not own Naruto in any way, shape or form.**

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**How to make Kakuzu rip out your heart: **

1. Constantly try to scare him and when he asks why tell him you were trying to give him a heart attack.

2. Take all of his money and donate it to charity.

3. Rip up all the cloaks for everyone in the Akatsuki and take it to him for repair. Bet him twenty bucks to make all of the members go on their missions without their cloaks.

4. Give him fake winning lottery tickets, preferably for the big pool like a mega-millions jackpot. We suggest hiding after that. He won't really appreciate being tricked like that.

5. Constantly pester him to find out his age and when he reveals it make fun of it. "_Ew_! I've been working with an old geezer this entire time?!"

6. When he's crossing the street, make sure you're at his side and holding onto his arm. We wouldn't want him to trip now, would we? Don't forget to say, "Don't worry pops, we're almost there…"

7. When he's not looking slap his back. Try not to snigger when he has his back turned to you and there's a funny sign on his back, such as: 'Caution, wide load' or 'Warning, I bite.'

8. In his room rig the door so that every time he walks in 'The Money Song' from Monty Python's Holy Grail plays on loop. Once that gets boring, or the Akatsuki has it stuck in their heads any they can sing it on their own - whichever comes first, switch it up to something like 'Money, Money, Money' by ABBA.

9. Poke him repeatedly saying the word 'poke' every time you poke him.

10. Complain about not getting enough sleep the night before. Make sure to say it was because Hidan and Kakuzu were doing 'activities.'

11. Cover the suitcase that he has for ransom money in random but cute stickers, like Hello Kitty or Tinker Bell.

12. Steal all of his money and leave an IOU note from Leader-sama.

13. Steal his money and spend in on frivolous things like something out of a magazine or infomercials. Make sure they're in plain sight once he realizes his money has gone missing.

14. Replaced his Akatsuki cloak with a hot pink snuggie.

15. Whenever he explains the problem with something yell something random like, "Well, that doesn't matter 'cause you have a gambling problem!"

16. When ever he comes near you scream, very loudly, "Tentacle Rape!"

17. Steal all of his money and start naming each and every single bill and coin. Don't give them back until you name them all. Don't forget to 'forget' which dollar was who so then name them all over again. Repeat it a couple times for fun.

18. Replace all the food in the 'man cave' (aka the hideout") with something gross like worms and blame it on Kakuzu.

19. Tell everyone that he got into a fight with a sewing machine and lost.

20. For this you'll need Deidara's help. You need to place bombs everyone, especially near the places where he hides his money. Tell him where the bombs are and see where he runs first since it's bound to have the most amount of money. Fail to mention that you and Deidara took all his money and bought the bombs with the money.

21. Booby trap his room while he's sleeping. You know… the usual pranks and tricks of sorts. Hand in a cup of warm water so he wets the bed. Put whipped cream in his other hand and tickle his nose so he slaps himself in the face with the cream. Put molasses on the floor. Feathers on the fan and coat him in honey and maple syrup. Go nuts and get creative.

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**Kita: Happy New Years Eve!**

**Rei: Your little sister scares me. She came up with number twenty one…**

**Kita: I didn't raise her to be like that. I blame my brother. He's a bad influence on her.**

**Haiomi: But all little children are evil!**

**Kita: Well, we can digress all day or we could ask for reviews… So please R&R people.**


	7. Deidara

**Kita: We're just not good at this at all…**

**Haiomi: Nope!**

**Kita: You feel no shame about that, do you?**

**Rei: Nope!**

**Kita: Can you say anything other than nope?**

**Rei and Haiomi: We don't own the Akatsuki?**

**Kita: That'll do…**

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**How to Make Deidara try and blow you to pieces…**

1. Insult his art. Naturally, it's the easiest way to cheese him off.

2. Sell his art and give the money to Kakuzu.

3. Lock him in a room with Tobi, with no explosives, no apparent door, and no windows. Don't foget to make bets as to who comes out alive. Battle Royal baby!

4. Make constant jokes about how he could make out with himself.

5. Make him cross-dress by stealing his robes. He _can_ pull it off better than Hidan or Pein could.

6. Shave him bald.

7. Give him a love letter declaring Sasori's undying love for him. Add something cheesy like, _'My love for you has the passion of a thousand dying suns,'_ or _'My puppets are nothing but a façade to hide my true feelings for you.'_

8. Ask if he has to eat with his hands. It was a pertinent question to the situation don't you agree?

9. Make several insinuations about his hand mouths. We'll let you go wild on this one because we want to keep this rated T.

10. Wait for the perfect moment and then say, 'That's not what you said last night.' Please follow up, at a later moment when he tries to argue or reason with you and say, 'that's what she said' because we all love those inappropriate jokes. Like after he says, 'It's a bang.' That's what she said.

11. Imply that Sasori's art is, has been, and forever will be better than his art because art is eternal.

12. Copy his 'un', 'hmm' and 'yeah.' Use it excessively, un.

13. Whenever he walks into the room play 'Dude Looks Like a Lady' by Aerosmith.

14. When that gets old switch it to 'I Feel Like a Woman' by Shania Twain.

15. Reenact the entire Charlie the Unicorn Series with Deidara as the star. So, yes… Deidara _is_ the Banana King.

16. Constantly try to crown him the Prettiest Fairy Princess of the World. It helps if you actually have a crown, dress, and bouquet of flowers to go along with this game.

17. Replace his clay with Playdoh.

18. Draw on him as he sleeps. Don't forget to leave a message on him that says, "A true artist waz here…" We suggest permanent marker.

19. Take pictures and give them to Sasori. Now they're eternal so now they're really art.

20. Tell Tobi Deidara wants to spend time with him. Bribe him with candy to not leave Deidara alone.

21. Constantly blow up the hideout – aka the man cave – and blame it on our favorite blond arsonist.

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**Kita: Well… Now that's done.**

**Rei: Let's do Sasori! **

**Haiomi: Second it!**

**Kita: Looks like the puppet master is next…**


	8. Sasori

**Kita: Hey, what do you know? This chapter actually came out relatively early… Are you two sick or something?**

**Rei: Actually, I didn't really suggest anything in this one…**

**Haiomi: Hmm… It is pretty weird… Well, we don't own anything because we're three poor almost-college students.**

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**How to make Sasori wish to turn you into a puppet:**

1. Tell him that Deidara's art is better.

2. Call him emo for being so depressed about his the death of his parents.

3. Play keep away with Sasori's heart container… Or head…

4. Reenact Pinocchio with Sasori as the star.

5. Call him a freaky puppet guy.

6. Make multiple coming out of the puppet jokes because the closet isn't good enough for Sasori.

7. Tell him he's lonely because he has to **make** all of his friends.

8. Ask if he's Gaara's real father. Break down crying and accuse him of murdering his own son. We advise the use of tear drops to make it more realistic if you can't cry on command.

9. Take away his poisons and tell him that there will be no more chemistry until he calls up his grandma.

10. Invite Chiyo over to dinner at random times so he can never plan when **not** to be at the base.

11. Make sure that he has the ugly sweaters that are hand knitted, something with outrageous colors would do nicely. You should then insist that he wears them because 'grandma' made them, when in reality you bought them at a yard sale down the street with Kakuzu's money.

12. Use his arms as baseball bats and batter up. Use Deidara's art as the baseball.

13. Use his head as a volleyball, soccer, football or even golf ball. Or any other sport you would care to think of.

14. Constantly scream, "Burn the witch!" around him. Then try setting him on fire. Please do this from a distance.

15. Rip off his limbs and say, "I'm confiscating this…"

16. Imply that with all of his modifications to his person that he's compensating for something.

17. Carve things into his wooden body and claim they're tattoos.

18. For Halloween take his head and use it as a Jackolantern.

19. Quote Shakespeare using his head: "Alas, poor Sasori, I knee thee well!"

20. Steal his leg and play golf with it.

21. Imply that his parents were trees.

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**Kita: Well, thanks for reading everyone.**

**Haiomi and Rei: Read and Review!**


	9. Tobi

**Kita: Okay, so it's been a while…**

**Haiomi: We're getting ready to go to college! What else should they expect?**

**Rei: An eagerness to get this out of the way to focus on getting scholarships and grants?**

**Kita: Touché.**

**Haiomi: You can't say that. It's an abridged series reference.**

**Rei: Which we're so broke our bologna has no first name. So we own squat. **

**Kita: Ha ha, very funny.**

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**How to make Tobi/Madara less of a 'Good Boy.'**

1. Constantly ask how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tobi-pop.

2. Assure everyone Tobi is not a good boy, thus, not who he claims to be.

3. Tell everyone Tobi is Naruto's long lost, evil father.

4. Write Kakashi a letter from Obito saying he's alive. Write another letter to Madara/Tobi from a woman who loves him very much had murdered her family/clan to gain a power stronger than the Sharingan. Watch the sparks fly.

5. Call him lollipop face.

6. Insist that he is a pirate and that his mask acts as his eye patch.

7. Call the Sharingan pink eye. Ooo, pink eye, pink eye, pink eye!

8. Ask if the reason he wears a mask is because when he doesn't babies cry.

9. When that gets boring ask if he wears it because women scream, "Dear god, what is that _thing_?" every time he doesn't wear his mask.

10. Ask him daily why he dresses like its Halloween. Granted, this can be asked to all ninja.

11. Try to carve his mask like a pumpkin.

12. Call him the Phantom of the Opera. Do try to convince him to sing with you because we all know there is a Phantom living inside of him that has been dying to get out.

13. Paint his mask some horrendous and ghastly color like neon blue or pea soup green. Or go wild and make it rainbow with stickers and puppy stickers.

14. Ask him if he came from Candy Land and if he knows Major Mint and all of the other characters.

15. Ask him if he's trying to get a 'Snookie Tan.'*****

16. Whenever he makes you mad and you argue shout, "At least my mother wasn't a pumpkin!"

17. Imply that his family was baked into pumpkin pies.

18. Shave of patches of his hair so he has random balding patches.

19. Blackmail him by saying you know his dark secret. Then explain that said secret is something ridiculous like you know he wears a mask because he's insecure.

20. Put him on a leash and when he isn't being a 'good boy' squirt him with a water bottle.

21. Lock him in a room with a bomb-happy Deidara. Watch the fireworks… Literally.

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*** According to Haiomi Snookie is a woman off of the Jersey Shores TV show and gets a spray tan so much she looks orange.**

**Kita: … Really?**

**Haiomi: What?**

**Kita: All of the pie references! I mean, come on! **

**Rei: We're hungry. What do you expect?**


	10. Zetsu

**Kita: Here's to my annual New Years update.**

**Haiomi: Unfortunately, this is the last one in this Under Their Skin sequence. **

**Rei: But we had a good run…**

**Haiomi: Well, we don't own anything. **

**Rei: We're just a bunch of broke, almost college students.**

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**How to make Zetsu consider eating you.**

1. Spike his drinks with fertilizer.

2. Try to feed him flies. Your explaination as to why is because he's a Venus flytrap. They eat flies.

3. Constantly try to set him in fire.

4. Ask how well watered his roots are.

5. Ask if one of his parents were a tree.

6. Imply that he grows marijuana and poison ivy in his free time.

7. Ask if he needs to eat real foods or is photosynthesis and cannibalism enough for him.

8. Plant him in the garden.

9. When he sleeps put dirt, fertilizer and water in his bed.

10. Make sure he drinks only 'diet blood'.

11. Call him a fake vampire because he doesn't sparkle but drinks blood.

12. Put him in a freak show. When Kakazu demands the money, refuse and say it was Zetsu's idea in the first place.

13. Release flies in his room every day.

14. Insist to Pein that Zetsu doesn't mind taking missions near volcanoes.

15. Replace all the light bulbs in his room with a heat lamp.

16. Talk to only one side of him (black or white) and when he answers, yell at him and declare you were talking to his other half (the opposite side that you were not addressing).

17. Name his white side Sparkles.

18. Name his black side Sunbeam.

19. Take him to the schizophrenic psychiatrist.

20. Ask if he knows the Toadstools from Mario.

21. Ask if he was the shrubbery that was gifted to the Knights-who-say-Ni.

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**Kita: Wow… It feel strange to have this ending. **

**Haiomi: I feel accomplished.**

**Rei: It's a strange feeling.**

**Kita: Thanks for reading this. Be sure to review for us all, okay?**


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